


Foam of the Sea

by myth720



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Awkward Sexual Situations, Established Relationship, First Time, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Future Fic, M/M, maybe it's a little angsty
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-07
Updated: 2014-01-24
Packaged: 2017-12-28 17:37:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/994686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myth720/pseuds/myth720
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When mermaids die they become the foam of the sea and cease to exist. Just like that, Haruka's life as a professional swimmer had come to an unexpected end due to a single incident. Readjusting to life in Iwatobi is not going to be easy, especially without Makoto by his side. (temporary summary as the story develops)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> *Japanese note: -senshuu is the honorific suffix given to athletes.

There was nothing outstanding or remarkable about the little seaside town of Iwatobi. Like many small towns in the obscure parts of Japan outside of the major cities, it used to be a tiny fishing village. It was so obscure it was left near untouched by wars, and so normal, it was undisturbed by any major natural disaster. With the years and economical changes, it grew and absorbed neighboring villages, but most youth still dreamed of exchanging the slow paced, quiet town life for the excitement the big city had to offer. However boring and mundane it may have been, the town of Iwatobi had prided itself for producing not one, but two internationally recognized Olympic swimmers, and one gold medalist. 

There was a story the people of Iwatobi liked to tell, and it had made the rounds to the press at the time, the story about the summer of 2013, when the newly created swimming club of Iwatobi high-school made it to the regional summer tournament, won first place and disqualified for switching a member with a member from another school – a childhood friend. It was a sweet display of friendship and loyalty to dreams, they liked to say. It wasn’t looked upon that favorably at the time, but that switched member and the ace of the team being who they were today, the negativity and backlash were gone and forgotten. The two swimmers had become local celebrities overnight following their performance in Rio 2016, but it wasn’t until Tokyo 2020 when they had reached national awareness that the small town had begun idolizing them to the point it was near impossible to find a street in Iwatobi that did not try to affiliate itself with the two, and a line of “pilgrims” taking the recommended route to the favorite hangout places of the two heroes and childhood friends.

And then one incident had changed it all.

* * *

 

“Thanks for coming to see me, Rin.” Haruka tugged on the bill of his cap. “I know you’re busy.”

Rin huffed and sat down in front of Haruka. They were at a small, but expensive coffee shop downtown a busy Tokyo district.

“That’s an understatement,” the red-headed returned the gestured with his own cap and took off his sunglasses, putting them on the table. “You must be too.”

“Yeah.”

 

At a nearby table, two young women were gushing over their cheesecake, when one of them raised her eyes and spotted the two suspiciously dressed young men at the other table.

“Ne, ne,” she told her friend. “Those guys with the hats over there, they gotta be famous, right?”

Her friend turned around to have a look. “That guy sure looks familiar,” her friend hummed. “I’m sure I’ve seen those strange teeth before.”

“They look like shark teeth…” the first girl commented and chuckled.

“Yeah,” the friend agreed, then her face changed. “AH! That’s gotta be _that_ guy! Quick, quick, take a picture!”

 

* * *

 

Haruka and Rin walked outside the café, shoulders brushing against each other. None of them spoke. There were a lot of people running around the busy street, no one giving them a moment glance. Tokyo was immensely different than the little town they had both hailed from.  It allowed them to live their lives in anonymity.

“I missed you,” Haruka said quietly, but loud enough to be heard in the din of the street. “You need to come over more often.”

“Are you being emotional now, Haru?” Rin grinned and slapped Haruka’s cap playfully, crooking it.

Haruka frowned and fixed it. “You’re one to ta—“

Rin drew him into his arms, hugging him tightly. “I missed you too, Haru.”

Feeling a little awkward at the sudden intrusion into his personal space, it took Haruka a moment to react and put his arms around Rin. “As I was saying,” he said into Rin’s ear.

Rin let go of him slightly and looked down, his forehead nearly touching Haruka’s. “I have to go. Got a flight to catch.”

 

* * *

 

Haruka unlocked the door to his apartment and stepped inside, taking his shoes off at the entrance. “I’m back,” he said out of habit to an empty apartment.

His stomach was still full of coffee and cake, but he had fresh mackerel he bought that morning in the fridge, and it would be a terrible waste if he didn’t grill it right away. For mackerel, he didn’t need to be hungry.

The phone started ringing while he was busy grilling the fish, so he ignored it. As usual, if it were important, they would try to reach him again. Haruka smiled to himself as he watched the chunks of meat sizzle on the griller. He was in a good mood. It was nice to see Rin after so long.

After turning the gas off and taking another sniff of the grilled fish, he decided he was hungry after all. The phone was still ringing, and he huffed in annoyance. He didn’t recognize the caller ID and pulled out the plug. Anyone who really needed him, knew how to reach him on his mobile phone. And because he hated talking on the phone, it was permanently set to manners mode. That wasn’t entirely true – it was a custom mode he named Makoto mode - his phone only rung when Makoto was calling, and he liked the arrangement, much to the chagrin of his coaches and other people who regularly tried to reach him, and whom he filtered based on his mood.

Once he had finished eating and put the dishes in the washer. He walked to the living room and plopped down on the couch, raising his legs over the coffee table. The sun was starting to sink, and he threw a glance outside the big window, overlooking the skyscrapers of Tokyo and the hazy horizon where, according to his real estate agent, on a clear day, it was possible to see Mt. Fuji. He had yet to see that glorious sight and suspected it was either a myth or a fancy exaggeration meant to raise the worth of the apartment and bring in the deep pocketed customers. Haruka didn’t really care. It wasn’t the reason he leased the place. If it were up to him, he’d still live in his old and traditional Japanese house in Iwatobi. Sometimes he still wondered if he could go back and live there, if it weren’t for the fact his parents had moved back in, following his father’s retirement. Either way, Mt. Fuji or not, one of the selling points of the mansion was the communal pool on the roof.

Haruka thought about going to the pool for a little swim and sunset viewing, when a muffled, familiar tune reached his ears. His mobile, which was left in his jacket, on the hanger at the entrance, was ringing. Which meant Makoto was calling. Haruka put his legs down and stood up, then walked a bit faster than usual to answer the phone in time.

He didn’t. By the time he fished the dated mobile phone out of the pocket, it had stopped ringing.

He was about to return the call, when he noticed he had a few calls from an unidentified number. As he was wondering who might be searching for him knowing he would not answer anonymous calls, his phone buzzed with another incoming call, which he clicked to accept by mistake.

Since he had already accepted the call, he brought the phone to his ear.

“Nanase,”he said briskly, and waited for the caller to identify himself.

“I know your true identity,” a masked voice said quietly on the other side of the line.

“…huh?” Haruka asked in confusion and clicked his tongue. From all the calls he could’ve wasted a moment of his precious free time on, it had to be a prank call?

“I know you’re gay,” the gritty voice continued. “And I know who your boyfriend is.”

Haruka puckered his lips in annoyance. “Who is it?” he asked. “Is it Nagisa? It’s not April’s fools yet, I’m going to kill you,” he grumbled.  

“I have evidence,” the person continued, ignoring Haruka’s half-hearted threat. “And unless you pay me 2 billion yen in 48 hours, I will send the evidence to the press.”

“…what?”

“This is not a joke, nor a prank call. I will contact you again in 3 hours to hear your decision.”

“Now wait a mo—“ Haruka’s protest were cut off when the call was.

Haruka stared at the phone for a bit. It had got to be a joke. There were only a few people who had known about his relationship, and they would never make a joke like that. He also trusted them never to spill his secret to anyone. There has got to be an explanation, but for the moment, Haruka needed to get rid of that extremely uneasy feeling in his stomach.

He clicked on his phone and waited.

“Makoto!” he said, almost too happy to hear the cheerful voice on the other side of the line instead of the creepy computerized voice.

“…I’m fine.    …really.” A heartbeat. “No, something happened. …It’s a bit early, but can you come home now?”

 

* * *

 

He was on pins and needles, waiting for Makoto to return, and nothing seemed to calm him down, not even a soak in the bath. He thought about going to the pool, when he heard the door unlocked and Makoto’s voice announced he was home.

“Makoto!” Haruka hurried to reach him. “Are you all right?” He grabbed Makoto’s arms with both hands. “You didn’t receive any weird phone call?”

“Huh?” Makoto furrowed his brow, looking at Haruka with concern. “Only from Haru.”

Haruka sighed and withdrew his hands. He folded them over his chest and rubbed his arms. “Sorry for making you come home early,” he said quietly.

“It’s okay, I’ve finished most of my work,” Makoto said and took off his suit’s jacket, before starting to undo his tie. “What is it, Haru? You look pale. Not feeling well?” he asked.

Haruka shuffled his feet and looked away. “I think… I think I’m being blackmailed.”

Makoto stared at him for a moment, confused. “Eh?”

“I received a threatening call,” Haruka explained. “And they want me to pay them 2 billion yen in two days.”

“Eh?!?” Makoto widened his eyes, then more calmly, asked, “Wait, what do they have on you, exactly?”  

“If it was just me, I wouldn’t care!” Haruka raised his voice. “But he knows, about _you_ ,” he stressed. “I don’t care about coming out, but I don’t want you to get in the crossfire.”

Makoto sighed. “Any chance it’s someone we know pulling your leg?”

Haruka shook his head. “Who would make such a bad joke?”

Makoto rubbed his chin in thought. “That’s true.”

“He said he will call again—“ Haruka checked his watch. “In two and a half hours now.”

“We should contact the police,” Makoto said. “Maybe they could trace this guy.”

Haruka shook his head. “He was using a voice mixer, I’m sure he’s taken precautions,” he sighed. “Maybe I should just give him the money.”

“What? You can’t do that.” Makoto stopped undressing. “He will continue to blackmail you for more.” He clutched his hand into a fist. “It makes me so angry people like that exist!”

With a sigh, Haruka walked back to the living room, followed by Makoto. His partner had the right of it. He couldn’t give in to such threats, or it would keep coming back to haunt him. There was only one solution.

“I’ll come out publicly and foil his plans. His ‘evidence’ would be worth shit without the scoop,” Haruka said. “Don’t worry, I won’t out you.”

Makoto exhaled and grabbed Haruka’s arms. “No, wait, Haru. Please think it through; your career could be on the line.”

“The country is way more accepting now than ten years ago,” Haruka insisted. “There are even attempts to legalize same sex marriage, right?”

“Yes, but there are also a lot of old fashioned people who will not view this kindly, especially in the sports world—“ He paused to breathe for a moment. “With only a year until the next Olympic games it’s too risky, Haru. You could be ostracized. They would choose to elect younger swimmers over you.”

Haruka glared at him. “Are you saying I’m old?”

“That’s not my point…”

“I understand your point,” Haruka sighed. “But there’s got to be a way. I can’t let this guy win.”

“First let’s see if it’s not really someone we know,” Makoto said. “It could be Nagisa.”

Haruka threw a ‘really?’ glance at him and Makoto sighed. “Okay, probably not.”

The time passed slowly as Haruka waited for the phone call. He placed his mobile phone on the table and stared at it in anxiety. Makoto had already taken a shower, a short one. He didn’t want to leave Haruka’s side for too long and Haruka was so dispirited he didn’t even want to join him in the shower.

“Haru.” Haruka raised his head when Makoto called him and accepted the hot mug of green tea.

“Thanks.”

Makoto sat down next to him on the couch and reached out to rub his shoulder gently. Haruka leaned into the touch, catching Makoto’s hand between his shoulder and ear.

“Come here,” the taller man said and pulled Haruka closer, fluttering his lips over Haruka’s forehead and nose, before planting a soft kiss on his mouth.

“Makoto…” Haruka said quietly and his voice quivered. For the first time since the ordeal started, he felt like crying. The tears stung his eyes.

“Whatever happens, I’ll be by your side, Haruka,” Makoto whispered softly and kissed Haruka’s eyes, as though trying to make the tears disappear.

Their moment was cut short by the loud vibration of the mobile phone on the table. Haruka threw a glance at the screen. “That’s him.”

Makoto lowered his hand to Haruka’s back, rubbing him gently and encouraging him to pick up.

“Yes,” Haruka answered the phone, regaining his composure.

As he feared, the gritting computerized voice replied. “Have you decided?”

Haruka bit his lips. “You don’t leave me much choice, do you?”

“No.”

“Is it going to be just the 2 billion or are you going to bug me again later for more?” Haruka asked coldly.

“I’d settle for the 2 billion for now,” the voice answered.

“Fine. How do I get the money to you?”

Makoto tensed and mouthed, ‘Haru!’ - Haruka just shrugged him off with a hand gesture.

The perpetrator gave him the details, to which Haruka agreed in a low, resigned voice and ended the call.

“What are you thinking?!” Makoto finally raised his voice. “You can’t do that!”

“Don’t worry about it,” Haruka said quietly and clicked on his phone, putting it back on his ear.

“Hey, Sato-san, it’s Nanase. I need a favor,” he told the person who had picked up.

 

* * *

 

Sato Juunichi, 35, was Haruka’s sports agent ever since he’d started pursuing a career in competitive swimming, upon graduating from high-school. Sato was a young agent back then, and Haruka was his first promising catch. They have become some sort of friends beyond their professional relationship.

It took Sato less than a day to set up the news conference Haruka had requested, even though he had tried to dissuade him, even attempting to enlist Makoto.

Haruka held his breath when he entered the room and was blinded by the flashes of the cameras. He started to wonder if he were really doing the right thing, but a look behind his shoulder – at Makoto, who had taken a sick leave to accompany him, but stayed out of sight at the sidelines – had given him all the reasons and strength he needed to go through with his plan.

When the room fell quiet and all eyes, cameras and microphones waited to hear what he had to say, there was no turning back. He cleared his throat.

“First I, I would like to thank Sato-san, and… and my coach, Nakamura-san, for putting this together so fast at my request…” he looked down. His hands, rested in his lap, were shaking. “Even though they advised me not to do it…” He took a breath. “But I, it’s something I needed to do.”

He fell silent and looked at his trembling hands. What was it? Even though he had practiced what he was going to say since yesterday. He wasn’t supposed to care about this. And then, out of the blue, as though he was hit by a lightning bolt, the path had suddenly been shown to him, and he gasped. His hands stopped shaking and he leaned in, closer to the number of microphones that were set before him on the table.

“I’ve been blackmailed,” he said. “And the police is on the case, but I thought I would say this, just so it won’t be repeated.” He straightened up. “I’m gay—“

The room was still quiet, in perfect Japanese order, no one was going to let out a word before he would finish his statement - the only sound was the cameras flashing.

“—and I’m in a relationship with a man. He’s a private person and I rather not expose his name…” Practiced words, practiced words. His chest felt lighter now. “I hope you would respect my privacy, and focus instead on my professional accomplishments thus far,” he said and without looking at anywhere in particular, he added, “Also, I have decided to retire from competitive swimming.”

“Wait, Nanase-kun…” his coach whispered at his side. “What are you doing, this is not what we talked about!”

“That is all,” Haruka told the microphones, and finished his statement.

“I’m sorry, Nanase-senshuu won’t be answering any questions right now,” the host announced when the room went louder again with people talking all at once.

Haruka got up, bowed deeply to the audience and excused himself, leaving the room, and his team of PR to deal with the pressing questions in his stead.

“What have you done, Haruka?” Makoto asked him when he passed by him in the hallway. His voice was quiet, disappointed.

Haruka didn’t look at him. “It just felt right.”

He left Makoto behind and walked to the dressing room to have the make-up removed. This life in the spotlight, it was too tiresome for him. Thinking back, he should’ve never chosen this path. He should’ve chosen to stay in Iwatobi. It was Rin’s fault, egging him on to strive for more and see how far he could go. It was Nagisa and Rei’s fault, for looking up to him with admiration in their eyes. And it was also Makoto’s fault, for loving him best when he was swimming competitively.

* * *

 

The car ride back home was silent, except for his mobile phone which didn’t stop buzzing with incoming calls inside his pocket. He ignored it and only looked at it when they had arrived at their apartment.

He had no less than 316 missed calls and incoming mails.

“What the…” He had never seen such number before; he didn’t even think it was possible. So the news had already hit the outside world. He wrinkled his eyebrows and checked the call log to see who had been trying to reach him.

On top of the list were his agent, his coaches, his mother, Makoto’s mother, Makoto’s sister, a few sports reporters he was friendly with, as well as a few other numbers he associated with the press.

He didn’t feel like talking to anyone right now. There was only one person he could handle dealing with right now. He turned around.

Makoto was also looking at his own vibrating mobile, but it looked as though he wasn’t going to answer. He put it back in his pocket and raised his eyes to Haruka, giving him a warm smile.

“Go take a bath, Haru,” he said. “We can talk later.”

Haruka nodded and walked to the bathroom. After soaping and washing himself in the shower, he soaked in the bath. Although it felt good and refreshing, he only stayed in the hot water for ten minutes. He needed to get his peace of mind from something else, or rather, someone.

 

“Ha… Haru…” Makoto mumbled in surprise when the shorter man hugged him from behind. He turned around and ruffled Haruka’s damp hair, smiling.

“What is it?” Haruka could tell the difference between Makoto’s smiles, and this smile was a smile that tried to hide something in order not to worry him.

“Ah, it’s nothing.”

“What is it?” Haruka repeated.

“Well, the internet is already buzzing with rumors about you,” Makoto said, uncomfortably. “And, uh, your mystery boyfriend.”

“Shit…” Haruka let go of him. “Did your name get leaked?”

“No… it’s worse,” Makoto said and showed Haruka his tablet.

Haruka took it from his hands and looked, his eyes widening. The caption read “Could this be the lover of Tokyo gold medalist Nanase?” Attached to some candid photos of him with Rin, in the coffee shop where they sat together the day before, as well as pictures of them hugging out in the street, even one photo from an angle that made it seem like they were kissing.

He blushed. “This is quite misleading…”

“But this is going to cause trouble for Rin now,” Makoto said quietly.

“I’ll give another statement,” Haruka said quickly. “He doesn’t even live in Japan.”

“Haru.”

“He could make his own statement too…”

“Haru.” Makoto put his finger under Haruka’s chin, lifting it gently to meet his eyes. “Stop please? You’re overworked. Things are going to be a little busy in the coming days, but I’m sure it will eventually die down and you’ll be able to live peacefully again.”

“I have no idea what to do…” Haruka admitted, feeling a sharp pain in his chest. In a moment of weird, yet lucid epiphany, he had cast away his career and his future, only a year before the games he’s been training so hard for in the past three years. The original plan was to retire after the games next year.

“Makoto,” he said quietly and took Makoto’s hands into his. “Listen, I…”

His partner smiled again, more genuinely this time. “Yeah, I think you should go back to Iwatobi, Haru.”

“You’re not going to go back with me.” Haruka’s words were both a question and a statement, he already knew the answer.

“I can’t quit work before the year ends,” Makoto said quietly. “You can stay with your parents until April.”

Haruka nodded. It would’ve been easier if Makoto could drop everything and go back with him - go back to their quiet, boring, comfortable life in the small boring seaside town of Iwatobi.

He had always hated winter. He couldn’t wait for spring.

 

 

* * *

 

 tbc? saa...

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following Haruka's sudden retirement, memories from the previous time he was forced to come out resurface.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I give up on trying to quit these two.
> 
> This chapter is mostly flashback. I hope it won't be too confusing, I'd like to weave in more flashbacks in future chapters.
> 
> Feedback appreciated :)

If life had taught him anything, it was how unexpected it could be, and how even when everything seemed so desperate and he thought he had hit rock bottom only to fall even lower, somehow there was always going to be a hand he could rely on to pull him back onto his feet.

“Makoto,” Haruka said quietly and walked over to his partner. He took the tie from between Makoto’s fingers and started tying it for him. “I’ve never noticed you were working so many hours before.”

A light chuckle escaped the taller man’s lips. “Are you feeling lonely now that you're a housewife?”

“Yeah,” Haruka replied so quickly and seriously to Makoto’s halfhearted joke, that it took a moment to sink in. Then Makoto grabbed him in a tight hug.  “I’m sorry. I wish I could just take a vacation and spend more time with you before you leave.”

“Makoto, you’re choking me,” Haruka stated quietly, but didn’t make any attempt to free himself from the hug. “It’s just a big change…” he continued when Makoto relaxed his hold. “From training hard for hours every day to doing nothing but answering phone calls…”

Makoto chuckled. “It’s only been two days, but it feels much longer, doesn’t it?”

“It does…” Haruka sighed and added, “I expected more backlash.” He rested his head against Makoto’s sturdy chest, wrapping his arms around him.  

What he hadn't expected was the amount of support he had received following his coming out news conference. There was only little support in Japan outside the LGBT community, but that support had come from influential parties which made its importance tenfold. Nevertheless, the support from overseas was overwhelming.  
  
In fact, the PR team he hired continued to receive interview requests from a large number of media outlets. Haruka had asked to let him think about it, but he truly wasn't ready to talk to anyone, let alone the media. He could barely talk to his parents - it reminded him another cruel winter, 10 years before, when they had found out his relationship with Makoto wasn't exactly the innocent best friends relationship they had thought it to be when they left Iwatobi and asked Makoto and his parents to take care of their son.

* * *

  
  
"Makoto?" Haruka woke up in a daze when he heard noise. Makoto was sleeping next to him under the kotatsu in the living room, still naked after their lovemaking. The fluffy blanket of the heating table covered him to his chest. He moaned softly in his sleep and Haruka couldn't help himself and stroked his hair. Their relationship had always been a source of comfort for Haru, but it had become even more comfortable and much easier without the weight of the past, which they’d managed to shed in the summer, after swimming with Rin again.  
  
Haruka's throat was dry and he picked up his boxer briefs, putting only that on, even though it was going to be too freezing to leave the source of heat and go the short distance to the kitchen to get a drink. He thought about cuddling next to Makoto and forgetting about the glass of water, when the door slid open, startling him.  
  
"Mom..." He was surprised to see his mother standing at the doorway.  
  
"Haruka, why aren't you dressed? You'll catch a..." He could see her eyes moving behind him to where Makoto was sleeping and then the moment the realization both of them were naked had hit her.  
  
His heart was racing. "What are you doing here?" he asked. He wasn’t expecting his parents to arrive until the next week, for the New Year holiday.  
  
"This is my house - what are you two doing?" she asked after regaining her composure.  
  
Haruka got up, and awkwardly finished pulling his underwear up.

  
"Haruka! Answer me!" She raised her voice.  
  
"You'll wake Makoto up, let's talk over there," he said quietly and walked towards her, to the hallway.  
  
As he thought, it was freezing away from the kotatsu and Makoto.  
  
"Explain yourself," she demanded, and looked at his bare torso. "On second thought, get dressed first," she muttered. "You've really grown since the last time I’ve seen you."

Haruka went to his room to get dressed rather than going back to the living room to put on the clothes he discarded earlier. If he could help it, he didn't want to get Makoto involved right that moment. If he could clean the mess before Makoto even knew anything, it would be for the best. Even though Makoto was hurt the last time Haru had kept secrets from him....

 

On the way back to the room where his mother was waiting, Haruka tried to think how he could explain the situation to her.

"Did you do _that_?" she asked upon his return. It clearly had been on her mind the entire time.

"...Yeah," he replied shortly, there was no point denying or beating around the bush.

"Haruka, what are you thinking? You're only 17. You're not supposed to do these kinds of things..." She left the rest of the sentence in the air - _and you're both boys._

He shrugged. "Most 17 year olds don't live alone either."

She frowned. "And whose fault is that? …Now I understand why you were so stubborn. Were you two like this when we left?"

He looked down at his feet. "Yeah..."

"Your father is coming home soon, what are we going to do?"

Haruka looked away. "You can tell him whatever you want."

"I think you should not see that boy again," she said quietly.

"What?" Haruka perked his head, returning his eyes to his mother. He couldn’t believe the words he just heard.

"This can't be good for you. You will not see him again," she rephrased.

"That is Makoto we're talking about, you know what kind of guy he is."

"Yes, and thinking about it, you were always too close and dependent on each other. I should've never agreed to let you stay on your own. I will talk to your father and you'll go back with us."

Haruka looked at her as though she was speaking a foreign language. 

"You can't do that... I won’t go."

"You will do as you are told. Just wait till your father gets here." She threw a glance at the door. "Also better make sure he doesn't see Makoto-kun like that. Send him home, it's getting late."

Haruka nodded. He didn't want to get into any arguments right that moment, it was better to deal with both his parents at once.

 

He went back to the living room and kneeled before the sleeping boy. Touching Makoto's shoulder, he hesitated for a brief moment, before shaking him gently. "Makoto... Makoto..."

"Mmm.. Haru..?" Makoto mumbled as he woke up. "What is it?" 

"Sorry, you won't be able to stay here tonight," Haruka told him and looked away. "My parents are visiting."

"Eh?!" Makoto jolted awake, the kotatsu blanket fell to his lap, barely hiding his nakedness. "Tonight?!"

"Actually they've already arrived..." 

Makoto jumped to catch his clothes and dressed up in haste. "Should I greet them?" he asked.

"Maybe not right now," Haruka answered, avoiding Makoto's eyes.

At least Makoto knew when not to press him. "Then I'll see you tomorrow." He nodded once finished zipping up and left the room. 

 

Haruka went back to help his mother unpack, annoyed the holiday he was spending with Makoto was cut short.

"I was thinking," his mother said, and Haruka hoped she had calmed down and found reason, before she continued, "until we make the arrangements for your school transfer, I’ll stay here to keep an eye on you."

"I will not leave," Haruka said quietly. How could he explain to his mother that things have just finally fallen into place for him, and he's never been happier with his life? He still couldn't completely put it in words even to convey it to Makoto, although he tried.

When his father arrived after drinking at the local bar with his friends, they had acted as though nothing had happened - his mother preferred to leave it for the next day.

 ~*~

"Oh, Nanase-san! It's been a while!" Makoto's mother was surprised to see her old neighbor at the door, early in the morning. "How are you?" she smiled.

Haruka's mother kept her greeting words to the necessary minimum, then asked to have a talk.

"I don't know how to say this," she said uncomfortably. "I thought I should let you know... about your son."

Mrs. Tachibana stopped smiling. "Is this about the boys'... _relations_?" she asked, carefully choosing neutral words.

"You know about it?" Nanase looked stunned at the other woman.

"It was rather obvious, so I asked Makoto about it." Tachibana shrugged. "They make each other happy, I don't see what's wrong."

"What's wrong? For a start, they're both boys! What kind of future could they possibly have?" And then she blushed, not making eye contact. "And they've been... doing things..."

"Well, at least we don't have to worry about either one of them getting pregnant?" Tachibana offered in consolation. "We’ve told Makoto to be careful. As for the future, it's too early to tell how things will turn out. It could be just a phase, who knows?"

"I can't believe you're okay with this!"

"They would do it anyway; I rather support my son than make him feel bad about himself and alone... And I trust both him and Haruka-kun. They're good boys."

"Just to make this clear, I’ve already told Haruka I don't want him to see Makoto-kun again. Please make sure your son doesn't approach him," Nanase said bluntly.

Tachibana sighed. "I think you're making a mistake, Nanase-san, but I can't tell you how to raise your son. Very well, I will forbid Makoto from seeing Haruka-kun."

 ~*~

 

"And so I'm not allowed to talk to you anymore, Haru," Makoto finished retelling their mothers’ early morning exchange to Haruka, his face dark and forlorn. 

They were on the roof - in winter it was the perfect location for that kind of private conversation. No one was crazy enough to have their lunch break exposed to the elements in near freezing temperature.

Haruka didn't have appetite to finish the bentou his mother prepared for him. She put a nice quantity of mackerel, the only part of it he forced himself to eat, but he felt like he would throw up if he had another bite. He raised his head to Makoto who looked both worried and frozen solid. The wind _was_ quite chilly on the roof. They should probably go back to class before they both caught a cold. But first he had to relay the reason he asked Makoto to come to the roof in the first place.

"So I'm gonna quit the club."

"Eh?" Makoto's expression added surprise to the mix.  
  
"Since we can't see each other..." Haru silenced, the rest of the sentence he hoped Makoto understood – ‘ _for the time being’._  
  
"Then _I_ will quit the club," Makoto said. "Haru should continue swimming." He furrowed his brow. "No, Haru _must_ continue swimming…"  
  
 _‘It's meaningless without you.’_ Makoto’s words inevitably floated in Haru’s mind and he rested his head back against the wall, closing his eyes.

He had never imagined it was possible to feel worse than how he had felt after the time in first year of middle school, when he thought he had made Rin give up on his life dream. In the summer, when he finally had a chance to really talk to Rin, and realized that everything was a big misunderstanding, he felt incredibly relieved. Nearly 5 years’ worth weight of guilt was lifted off his shoulders. However, there were also other feelings surfacing - like anger and frustration, mostly at himself, for all the time he had lost. He chose to ignore that and focus on how happy and whole he felt - to swim with everyone, to be with Makoto.  
  
But this time there was no misunderstanding. It was his parents passing judgment on his life from the outside. He won’t be able to be with Makoto again, when that was all the life he knew. He won’t be able to be there for Makoto, who was there for him in good times and in bad, who had always reached out for him. Makoto saved him. He could've been far worse if it weren't for Makoto being his source of light in his darkest hour. But his parents didn't know any of this. And there was nothing he could do.  
  
"No, there is something I could do," he said quietly to himself, then looked up again. "Makoto, you can't quit the club. You need to swim my share too."  
  
"Haru," Makoto said and rested his hand on Haruka's knee. "You're not thinking of running away, are you?"  
  
Haruka bit his lips. "My parents want me to move in with them after they find a school for me."  
  
Makoto's shoulders sagged. "I'm so sorry, Haru... It's all my fault."  
  
"It's not your fault."  
  
"I should be the one going away... Haru belongs here, swimming with Rin and everyone."  
  
"Don't be stupid, you have your family here, you can't leave."  
  
He was envious of Makoto's accepting parents. They had always treated him as part of the family, and that hasn't changed even after they've found out the two of them were more than just best friends.  
  
"I was thinking of going to college in Tokyo anyway," Makoto said. "I'll talk to your parents. I could probably still find a high school to transfer to for senior year."  
  
Haruka blinked. "You were thinking of leaving for Tokyo?"  
  
"Well... It's not really important right now, is it?" Makoto avoided answering the question.  
  
Haruka didn't push him, Makoto was right. There were more pressing issues right now and there was still senior year before having to worry about university. But he wasn’t going to let Makoto make the sacrifice. If one of them had to go…  
  
"Please don't run away, Haru," Makoto's quiet voice pleaded before he could finish processing his thoughts. "I would be worried sick and would have to go and find you."  
  
It was all Haru could do to keep his calm. "But what can I do?! How am I supposed to make them understand?!" he yelled in an outburst of emotions. Tears were stinging his eyes. "I can't even talk to them, they won't listen."  
  
“Haru.” Makoto grabbed his shoulders, holding him in place. “Look at me.”

Reluctantly, Haruka lifted his eyes to meet Makoto’s blazing green orbs. “They will listen if you really talk to them. Because when Haru is talking, there’s not a single person who wouldn’t listen.”

   
  
Despite the calming effect Makoto had on his heart, Haruka still had no idea how to reach his parents and make them understand. As far as his father was concerned, if Haruka apologized for his behavior and agreed not to repeat it again, he was willing to forgive him. The alternative was probably being disowned. Since Haruka was still a minor his parents could not remove him from the family registry without providing a new family registry for him to join, but they could still cut ties and throw him to the street if they wanted to.  
  
"I'm not going to apologize, I've done nothing wrong," Haruka said bluntly, but then thought better of it. "No, I mean, I'm sorry if my actions have offended you, but that's all."  
  
"Haruka, you're still young, at your age I've made a lot of passionate decisions myself," his father said once the two of them sat down to talk without the presence of his mother. "But one day you will look back at your life and I don't want you to have any regrets. This... _relationship_... with Makoto-kun, it has no future. It will only cause both of you trouble."  
  
Haruka folded his lips and looked down. If he could only say it, somehow convey how he felt to his father. Somehow he had to find the words that would make his father understand. His heart was pounding so hard against his chest, it was almost painful. He grabbed his chest, clutching the shirt in shaky fingers.  
  
"I love Makoto," he said in half a whisper, but loud enough for his father to hear. "I know how it may seem on the outside, but for me..." His voice quivered and he wetted his lips, anxious. "It's natural, it's the only way I can see any future at all. Dad, it's only him, it has to be him." He didn't notice tears were falling from his eyes until his father solemnly handed him a tissue box.

* * *

 

Haruka shuddered. The dam he had built around the old memories he wished to forget was breeched and he felt like he was going to drown.  His shoulders sagged.

“Are you okay?” Makoto pushed Haruka back to have a look at his face. "Haru!! Are you okay?!" His voice was frantic.  
  
Haruka touched his wet face, realizing he was crying. How pathetic was that, at his age?  
  
"I... Just remembered something..." he mumbled. He didn't want to worry Makoto any further, even though a part of him always craved Makoto’s undivided attention.  
  
Makoto pulled at his tie, loosening it.  
  
"What are you doing?" Haruka grabbed his hand, forcing him to stop.  
  
"I'm going to call in sick again."  
  
"You can't. You've already done that the other day. Just go, I'll be fine."  
  
Makoto wiped a tear that rolled down Haruka's cheek with his thumb. "Are you sure?"  
  
"Yes... Just go already before I change my mind," Haruka muttered, turning his head away.  
  
Makoto's phone started ringing with an incoming call and he gave Haru a surprised look before pulling it out of his pocket.  
  
"It's Rin..." he mumbled after looking at the screen. "I guess he finally got the news?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbeta'd, I hope it doesn't suck too much! I tried my best to edit.

Makoto let the phone ring and waited for a reaction from Haruka.  
The dark-haired man frowned. Frankly, he didn't want to talk to Rin either right that moment, but the conversation was probably unavoidable. Rin's busy flight schedule had at least given Haruka a bit of time before he had to deal with that issue, but it looked like that time was already up.  
  
Makoto didn’t need more than a glance at Haruka’s face to know what Haru decided. He touched the panel to accept the call and Rin's angry face filled the small screen.

  
"Makoto!! What's going on?!" he asked, yelling. "I've been receiving some embarrassing mails from people!!"  
  
"Sorry, Rin... things have gotten a little out of control after you left..." Makoto smiled wryly and glanced up at Haruka, who hurried to wipe his face with his sleeve, hoping Rin would not notice he had cried.  
  
"Put Haru on," Rin asked more calmly.  
  
"Ah..." Makoto hesitated.  
  
Haruka moved in, shoving his face into the screen and touched Makoto's arm. "Rin, Makoto has to go to work. I'm calling you on my phone right now."  
  
"Yeah right..." Rin huffed.  
  
"I'm making sure he does," Makoto promised and smiled at Rin. "See you."  
  
As promised, he escorted Haruka to the phone.  
  
"You don't have to watch, I'm calling him," Haruka grumbled. "This is stupid."  
  
"Sorry, I promised."  
  
"You're going to be late," Haruka muttered as he made the call.  
  
Makoto smiled. "Well, if they fire me I’ll be able to spend more time with Haru," he said and leaned in to kiss Haruka.  
  
It was only meant to be a quick peck, but the shorter man pulled him in with his free hand, deepening the kiss, lips smacking together, tongues hungrily reaching to meet.

"Oi, you two. You're more sickening than usual!" Rin's voice came through loudly, forcing them to pull apart.  
  
Haruka lowered his eyes to his phone. "Shut up, I haven't had sex in nearly a week."  
  
"Ha... Haru!" Makoto blushed and turned around. "Going now!"  
  
"Have a good day," Haruka said and returned his attention to Rin.  
  
"How are things on your side?"  
  
"Hectic! I just got home, didn't even get to adjust to the jet lag… And what do I hear?!"  
  
"Ah, I'm sorry I got you involved in this, it seems someone saw us together and jumped to conclusions..."  
  
"Who cares about that… More importantly, Haru, you're not seriously retiring are you?!" He frowned.  
  
Haruka remained silent. He knew Rin was looking forward to their next match in the summer. Haruka couldn’t deny he enjoyed the long-running competition between them. He even kept scores just like Rin, and so far they were still tied, but Rin had one victory he coveted most of all - to repay Haruka for stealing the gold in the last Olympics.  
  
"Haru?"  
  
"I'm sorry," Haruka said softly. "It looks like we won't be able to swim together again."  
  
"You can't be serious. Are you really going to let something like this stop you? Gay or whatever, no one even cares about this shit here. Making a big deal out of it is so 10 years ago."  
  
"Outside Japan..." Haruka mumbled. "But that's not it, Rin. When I said it out loud, I had just realized that I wanted to quit. I've already reached the top; it's the best place to leave." Before Rin could make more fuss, he added, “I’m going back home... I just want to live quietly like before."  
  
Rin huffed. "You're delusional if you think things could go back to the way they were."  
  
"Maybe not right away, but eventually they would have to," Haru replied. "I'm sorry, Rin."

Rin tried to persuade Haruka to change his mind a bit longer, the entire time dancing around what they both knew - the deciding victory between them, the one that would break the years long tie between them - it had to be on the Olympic stage.  
  
The more Rin talked about it, the more Haruka understood one thing about himself. He loved competing with Rin; he enjoyed the thrill, excitement and extra adrenalin it gave him, but he had no true desire to settle the score between them. Even after all those years, it wasn't about winning or losing for him. Maybe something was wrong with him. Maybe he was just unreasonably stubborn as Rin continued to mutter at him over the video call, but he couldn't change how he felt.  
  
"Ah, damn, I give up..." Rin finally huffed. "Only for now though. I don't have time for this."  
  
"Sorry," Haruka apologized again, not sure what else to say.  
  
Rin run a hand through his hair and Haruka could tell he was frustrated, and also tired. What was the time over there? He opened his mouth to ask, but Rin already moved on.  
  
"So, about the other thing... Is Makoto okay?" he asked quietly, scratching his cheek. "I know he never wanted to be in the spotlight... Or come out publicly."  
  
Haruka sighed. "For now it seems like his name wasn't leaked... The police still have no lead on the guy that tried to blackmail me though."  
  
"Shit, that's gotta be hard... Did the bastard try to make contact again?"  
  
"Not so far, but I have no idea what kind of evidence he has..." Haruka looked away. "Could you maybe... I know it's a lot to ask..." he found himself stammering, "Pretend that it's true? About us."  
  
Rin frowned. "I don't like this," he said, clenching his teeth. "I'll make no comment until the police catch that guy, how's that?" he offered.  
  
"Thanks, I appreciate it." Haruka smiled lightly.  
  
"In return, promise me you'll rethink about retiring."  
  
Haruka sighed. He figured it would come to that. However, it's only been a couple of days and although he felt complete with his decision, maybe later he would feel differently about it.  
  
"I need the time off right now," he said quietly, "but I'll give it more thought later."  
  
It looked like his answer had satisfied Rin - his face wasn't as strained as it was before. They finished the call with more friendly greetings and Haruka returned to the reality of staying alone in the quiet apartment with nothing to do but wait for the daily phone calls to arrive.

* * *

  
  
After finishing breakfast, Haruka decided to go to the roof. The communal space included a small gym , the indoor swimming pool and a sunroof some of the residents, particularly the women, used for sunbathing. Haruka had rarely seen any of the other residents. A lot of them were high profile individuals from different industries so privacy was greatly valued in the mansion and both he and Makoto had benefitted from that luxury.  
  
There was only one resident using the facilities at that hour. Unfortunately for Haruka it was a neighbor he was acquainted with, mostly due to Makoto being too nice and chatty even with complete strangers. Yuusuke Tamura was a young idol in his early 20s, Haruka couldn't remember the name of the pop group he was a member of, but he saw him in a couple of movies. He wasn't that impressed, yet Makoto quickly became friends with the younger man. Tamura knew they were living together, but Makoto had only explained they were childhood friends from the countryside sharing an apartment in the big city.  
  
"Nanase-san, good morning!" Tamura beamed at him. "Mako-chan already left for work?"  
  
It didn't help Haruka to like Tamura better when every time he talked to Makoto he sounded like he was flirting with him.  
  
Haruka made a face. "Don't add -chan to his name," he grumbled.  
  
Tamura laughed. "It's ok, it's ok; he allows me."  
  
Haruka took off his robe and put it down on the lounge chair. Without another word he fixed the goggles on his eyes and jumped into the pool, swimming as far away as he could from the nuisance.  
  
The pool was rather small, so he couldn't get that far away. When he had finally come up for air, Tamura was still there, smiling. His smiles were annoying in a whole different way than Makoto's.  
  
"Wow, that's amazing, Nanase-san! You can hold your breath underwater for so long! And you swim so fast," he admired.  
  
"Obviously," Haruka muttered. "I'm a profe-" he stopped mid-sentence. He wasn't a professional swimmer anymore, so what was he? Could he still call himself a swimmer?  
  
Tamura hadn’t noticed Haruka's inner conflict. "You're like a dolphin or something."  
  
"Not really..." Haruka mumbled and dived again.  
  
He hoped the conversation was going to end with that, but Tamura was still standing near the pool, drying his sweat with the towel he had around his neck and waited for Haruka to surface again.  
  
"I told Mako-chan I'll get him tickets for the premiere of my new movie on Sunday," he said when Haruka threw a glance at his direction and Haru clenched his teeth in annoyance, which went complete unnoticed by his neighbor. "He said he has a girl in mind to take with him."  
  
"Really," Haruka replied in disinterest and floated, trying to enjoy the feel of the water caressing his body.  
  
"I didn't realize he has a girlfriend," Tamura continued.  
  
Haruka opened his eyes, gazing at the cloudy sky through the tinted glass ceiling. Did he imagine the tone of disappointment in the actor's voice?  
  
"I was sure he was, you know, swinging for our team."  
  
"Our team?" Haruka straightened up inside the water and moved his goggles up to have a better look at the actor.  
  
"Well, whenever we work out together, I felt there's some kind of vibe between us, a connection maybe?" The younger man looked flustered and scratched his head.  
  
Haruka frowned. "You're gay?"  
  
"Not really, but I like guys too." The idol shrugged. "I broke up with my girlfriend recently so I'm definitely in the market."  
  
It slowly became clear to Haruka it was possible the young idol had no idea about Haruka's coming out party. Ordinary people and athletes aside, people in showbiz lived in a world of their own and unrelated news traveled slowly even in that era. It didn’t really make a difference though; Haruka had no intention to let Tamura delude himself.  
  
"Anyway, Makoto is not available," he hurried to volunteer information. The last thing he needed was that guy making passes at Makoto. His boyfriend had a long history of breaking hearts due to misunderstanding.  
  
"That’s a shame. Then, what about you?"  
  
"Not interested!" Haruka huffed and quickly disappeared under the water.

* * *

  
  
When Makoto finally returned home from work, Haruka was still on the phone, sprawled out on the couch. Makoto loosened his tie and bent over the couch's back, planting a kiss on Haruka's head and gave him a kind smile.  
  
"One moment," Haruka said and muted the phone. "Welcome back," he told Makoto. "I'll be right with you."   
  
"It's okay, take care of your important business." Makoto smiled again and disappeared from Haruka's sight.  
  
With an annoyed sigh, Haruka returned his attention to the phone call. It's only been two days, but he's been repeating the same things over and over, it got tedious fast. When the next call came through, Haruka let it ring and put the phone down on the table.  
  
He started taking off his clothes. There weren't too many layers. The apartment was heated nicely and there was even heating under the wooden floor, a tremendous change from the old Japanese apartment they used to share before. But even with one layer of clothes and extra years in age, Haruka still had a habit of leaving a trail behind him.  
  
Makoto was still in the shower when Haruka walked into the bathroom. He was startled when Haru opened the glass door and hugged him from behind. "Geez, Haru! What are you doing?" He threw a glance over his shoulder.

"Taking care of my important business," Haru replied and reached down, giving Makoto's cock a squeeze.  
  
"Ha... Haru..." Makoto turned around and took the other man into his arms. He pressed his lips to Haruka's neck, hand traveling down Haru's back - he pushed a finger into the firm ass. Haruka grabbed his shoulders in return, lifting up one leg over Makoto's torso and pressing his erection against him. Makoto buried another digit inside Haruka, stretching him gently and the athlete sighed softly, sliding one hand along Makoto's muscles down to where their members pulsated together. He rested his hand on the leaking cocks and started rubbing them together, their fluids mixing with water. It was hard to focus as Makoto continued to tease him inside, stretching and rubbing, forcing more small groans to escape Haru's throat. His hold around the two swollen organs weakened. He needed to feel Makoto inside him with no further delay. It looked as though Makoto had also had enough of the foreplay. He grabbed Haruka's waist and pulled him up. Haru wrapped his arms tightly around Makoto's neck, hips wrapping around Makoto's waist. He relaxed his body, allowing Makoto to slide into him with more ease.  
  
"Ma... ko… to..." He whispered into his lover's ear as he felt himself stretched to the limit. His own erection, pressed to Makoto's tight stomach, lost a bit of its hardness due to the new stimulation, but that only made Haru crave more.

"Deeper..."  
  
"Ahh.." Makoto replied, moaning into Haru's hair. He thrust his hips into Haru, while pressing on Haru's waist to meet his thrusts. The water continued to pour over them, and Makoto had to move back a step, leaning against the wall for support. Haruka buried his face in the crook between Makoto's shoulder and neck, grazing his teeth against the skin as he tried to suppress his groans.  
  
"Haru... Haru... Ka..." Makoto wheezed as his thrusts became more forceful. Haruka had always loved the way Makoto gasped his name on the brink of orgasm, as though nothing else existed in the world but him. He could feel Makoto's cock twitching inside of him before releasing his first load. Makoto pulled out quickly, letting the rest of the hot, sticky fluid hit Haruka's body and wash away quickly in the steam. Haruka sank his teeth deeper into Makoto's shoulder as he reached his own climax. 

Panting heavily, he slumped over Makoto's shoulder. He could feel the erratic beating of their hearts, still in near perfect synchronization. Makoto continued to hold him tight, his arms wrapped around Haru's waist.  
  
"I love you," he whispered once regaining his breath.  
  
"Mmm," Haru mumbled in reply, taking a whiff of Makoto's soap scented neck. "Me too."

* * *

  
  
They soaked in the bath, this time Makoto the one resting comfortably in Haruka's arms. Haruka picked up Makoto's hand, stretching his fingers against Makoto's.  
  
"I finally called my mom today," he said quietly.  
  
"What did she say?" Makoto asked with a crooked smile. "I told you so?"  
  
Haru chuckled. "No... She was strangely caring, asked how you were too."  
  
"Did you tell her you're coming home?" Makoto raised his head, throwing a glance at Haru.  
  
"Yeah. She said it's okay, but the neighbors might be nosy."  
  
"I will tell my mom to leave you alone," Makoto joked.  
  
"That reminds me..." Haruka let go of Makoto's hand and draped his arm around his chest again. "Is your sister coming over this weekend or something?"  
  
"Eh? Ah, I forgot about that... I should tell her it's canceled." Makoto looked up again. "How do you know?"  
  
Haruka wrinkled his nose. "Met Tamura at the pool this morning.”  
  
"Sorry, we talked about his new movie and he said he could get me tickets for the premiere... I wanted to surprise Ran."  
  
"He thinks she's your girlfriend and I didn't deny," Haruka said quickly.  
  
"Ehh.. Why?"

Haruka didn’t want to talk about ‘the vibe’ or ‘connection’ the actor felt. Makoto was a master at confusing people - he was too nice to everyone and too clueless to realize when he was overstepping boundaries. It hasn’t changed since they were kids and by now Haru had given up on the hope that it would ever change.  
  
Instead, he huffed. "You should stay away from him. I think he likes you."  
   
"Ehh?" Makoto tilted his head, glancing up at Haruka. "Of course he doesn't. He has a girlfriend, doesn't he?"  
  
"They broke up," Haru said as he caressed Makoto's chest. "And he outright told me he's into men too."  
  
"Ehhh..." Makoto raised himself up and turned around to kiss Haru briefly. "Don't worry! My heart belongs only to Haru." He smiled lightly.  
  
Haru huffed and twisted his lips. _'It's not your heart I'm worried about...'_ he thought with a sigh. Beyond showing his discontent, he couldn't really restrict Makoto from seeing someone the other considered a friend.  
  
"If he tries anything, I'll make it clear," Makoto reassured him and brought Haruka's hand to his mouth, kissing it lightly.

* * *

  
  
Even though Makoto still had another workday left, they made love three times that night. It felt like they were teenagers again, except the little time they had left together hovered above them like a dark and persistent rain cloud.  
  
Haruka sat up in the bed and stared at his sleeping lover. Resisting the urge to touch his hair and smooth some unyielding locks, he decided to let Makoto have his sleeping quota in peace and got up, choosing to breathe some fresh air at the balcony instead.  
  
There were no stars visible in the sky, but below, the metropolitan of Tokyo glittered the sky's share too. It was a magnificent sight, albeit chilly. Haruka rested his arms on the railing and leaned in, staring into nothing in particular, the twinkling lights becoming a blur.  
  
His mother had asked him if he _had_ to return to Iwatobi and why couldn't he stay in Tokyo. He had no concrete answer. Of course he would've rather stay with Makoto. If there was any place that truly felt like home, it was Makoto's arms. But Makoto was gone most of the day and he was left to deal with the hole which was once occupied by his swimming career. The pressure and the loss of anonymity, once a comforting advantage in the big city, were too much for him to handle. He was never a people's person to begin with - he needed peace of mind and quiet time alone to be able to function. Even with the side effect of fame that came with his success, he was able to maintain the balance and a semblance of sanity. The last three days changed his life beyond recognition and it felt like he had aged years.  
  
He rested his chin on his hands, eyes still fixated on the city that was as awake as he was even at that hour. The return to his family home in Iwatobi was not going to be simple. Haruka knew that much. Even before coming out, every move or decision he made was scrutinized in the small community that viewed him as a hero. With what eyes were they going to look at him now?  
  
Haruka heard the door sliding open and threw a glance over his shoulder.  
  
"Haru?" Makoto stood behind him. "What are you doing? You'll catch a cold." He covered Haruka's back with his large body, engulfing him in his arms. Indeed, it was warmer like that. So warm it pinched Haruka's heart to think he'd spend the rest of the winter away from that warmth. He rested his head back, fitting perfectly in the crook of Makoto's neck.  
  
"Let's go back to bed," he whispered. "I'm sorry for making you get up."  
  
"Nuh-uh," Makoto hummed and kissed Haruka's head. "Worrying about Haru gives me some kind of essence," he admitted with a chuckle.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that I know that "Iwatobi" is in Tottori prefecture, I know it would be around 6~7 hours to make a one-side (expensive!) trip by bullet train. 
> 
> Fukuoka - one of the southernmost prefectures in Japan.

With the strange week he was having, Haruka had already lost track of what day it was. It wasn't that his life as a professional swimmer wasn't  hectic, but he had a schedule he was used to and a team of people to remind him the day, time and any obligation he had aside for his training menu. And at the end of every long day, he had Makoto’s warm smile to wait for, which he repaid with a warm meal and bath. Both of them enjoyed the lifestyle they had adapted.

"I'm sorry, I really don't feel I would be able to be a proper spokesperson for the LGBT community," Haruka tried to turned down the seventh person he was talking to since morning. He avoided saying he had no desire to be an activist of any sort – Makoto had told him to consider other people had strong feelings about those matters. The doorbell buzzed and while still trying to get rid of the person on the line, he switched on the intercom, getting a view of the young olive-haired woman who waited outside the building. "Haru-chan! Let me in!" she said and stuck out her tongue.  
  
"Ran!" he let out in surprise and pressed the button to allow her into the building. He hurried to finish the phone call without being too rude.  
  
"What are you doing here?" he asked after letting her inside the apartment.  
  
"It's Friday?" She glanced at him as she stepped out of her high-heel shoes. He had slippers ready for her at the step of the genkan.  
  
Friday... That meant the weekend was coming. He remembered he was supposed to spend the weekend in Fukuoka and Makoto had invited Ran to keep him company.  
  
"I know, I know, it’s cancelled, but since I'm free I thought I could keep Haru-chan company until my brother gets back." She smiled.  
  
Haru narrowed his eyes. The phone was buzzing again, but he ignored it. "Did Makoto put you up for it?" he asked. "I'm fine, I really don't need babysitting."  
  
"He didn't! I wanted to see Haru-chan; it's been a long time."  
  
Haru sighed. "Fine. Do you want tea?"  
  
"Yes please." She smiled at him again. The landline started ringing. Haruka was used to it and continued to the kitchen, but Ran looked confused and followed him. "You're not going to answer the phone?"  
  
"No." He raised his mobile phone which was still buzzing with an incoming call. "This keeps me busy enough."  
  
"You need a secretary," she said, amused. "What do they want from you? Juicy details about your long distance affair with Rin?"  
  
"Actually just now I had a call from some organization; they want me to represent Japan in some international conference for homosexual athletes."  
  
Ran stared at him for a moment in surprise, before bursting into a laugh.  
  
"They want _you_ to speak for them?" She asked between giggles and snorts.  
  
"Yes." He shrugged. For a man of little words it _was_ an amusing concept. "I told them I'm not good with speaking."  
  
"Not that," she tried to control her laughter as she spoke. "You're so vanilla, you're practically a virgin!"  
  
He made a face. "I was having sex when you were still having tea ceremonies with your dolls," he muttered, blushing.  
  
"But you only had one partner right? Does it even really count as being gay?"  
  
Haruka closed his mouth. It's true he had no experience with other men or women, but he didn’t feel the need or desire to have that experience either. If being with Makoto defined him as gay, he had no problem with that. All he knew was that both of them had lucked out finding each other so early in life, or as Makoto's mom used to say, they've nurtured each other for the role.  
  
"In a way, Ren is more fitting to represent the community," Ran added when Haru didn't reply.  
  
Haru was surprised at the mention of the name. Ren was a sore spot for the Tachibana family. Growing in the shadow of his almost perfect brother and the energetic, strong minded twin sister, the sweet boy had become rebellious as a teen, and although his sexuality, just like his brother's, was accepted, he was the complete opposite from Makoto and Haruka and switched partners as often as his underwear. Talking to him seemed to achieve the opposite, and after barely graduating high school and failing the university entrance exam a few months before, Ren left for Tokyo and his family lost contact with him. Makoto had tried and failed to find him.  
  
"You've been in touch with Ren?" Haru asked.  
  
"No, I was just saying it because he's..." she begun stammering. "Anyway, that must be rough having people digging into your private life." The girl quickly switched the subject back to Haru.  
  
He still eyed her and she took the mug of tea from his hands, taking a sip. They went back to sit in the living room.  
  
"I'm going back to Iwatobi," Haru said once they settled on the couch. "Probably next week."  
  
"Onii-chan told me." She turned the hot mug between her palms. "I don't know why you want to be miserable so much," she muttered under her breath.  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?" He frowned at her. "Makoto will also return next year."  
  
"You two can hardly be away from each other one day. Onii-chan was like a dog missing his owner every time you had to go abroad," she said, waving her hands. "And when onii-chan was away last year for work, you were also quite pathetic... You called me for every little thing!"  
  
"Sorry," he muttered and scratched his head. Both he and Makoto were adults and had control over their life, but even though they weren’t together 24/7, the need to _be_ together and see each other every day hadn’t diminished one bit with the years. He couldn't expect anyone else to understand their feelings.

Ran sipped the tea and looked around the spacious living room. "Onii-chan might get even lonelier in such a big apartment. It’s a bit far from my university, but I'd love to upgrade from my crappy one room apartment..."  
  
Haruka shook his head. "You're a student so you shouldn't be spoiled. We lived in a crappy one room apartment too when we just moved to Tokyo."  
  
She sighed. "Onii-chan would've agreed."  
  
"Unfortunately, Onii-chan is not here," Haruka said and rubbed his chin. Both of them knew that if she pressed a little more, he would've caved in - Haruka was always soft with the twins, sometimes even more than Makoto.  
  
"So won't you tell me?" he asked when the phone got quiet again, raising his eyes to the girl.  
  
"Tell you what?"  
  
"Where's Ren."  
  
"I don't know..." she said quietly.  
  
"Yes you do."  
  
"Okay, I do," she admitted, "but he made me promise not to tell anyone."  
  
"Is he okay?" Haruka asked. Maybe instead of answering calls and turning down interviews, he could use the time and look for Ren. Makoto would be so happy to see his little brother again.  
  
Ran shrugged. "He said he'll come back when he feels like it... He's really stubborn."  
  
"What is he doing?" Haruka asked and hoped the boy wasn't selling his body to dirty old men.  
  
"He's... Working..." Ran hesitated. "Uh, he's doing okay."  
  
Haruka straightened. "Ran?"  
  
"He's not doing something illegal…" She blushed.  
  
" _Ran_?" He stressed her name.  
  
She sighed. "I can't tell you the details, but he's working at a host club..."  
  
"He's a host?" Haru asked in a low voice.  
  
"Yeah, basically he's seducing women to buy expensive alcohol..."  
  
Haruka started to put two and two together and furrowed his brow. "You shouldn't go to places like that, Ran. You're still a minor too." And it’s such a dubious industry, he finished the sentence in his mind.  
  
She blushed more furiously. "My friends made me... They wanted to see what it was like... And then I saw Ren there..."  
  
"They're not supposed to hire him either," Haruka said sternly. "He's still not 20."  
  
"Geez, Haru-chan is so strict... They hire a lot of guys who are between 18 and 20," Ran huffed. "And anyway, isn’t it good I went there? Now I know where Ren is, and I know that he's fine."  
  
"I want to see him," Haru said. "Give me the details."  
  
Ran shook her head. "He asked me not to tell anyone, he made me promise not to tell onii-chan."  
  
Haruka smiled lightly. "Then it's good I'm not him, isn't it?"  
  
"What are you going to do?" Ran asked quietly. "I tried talking to him; he doesn't want to come back."  
  
"I didn't get to talk to him." Haruka shrugged and put down his mug on the coffee table, before getting up and brushing his sweatpants. "I’ll get changed and we’ll go."  
  
"Ehh?" Ran eyed him. "Go where?!"  
  
"Ren's place."  
  
"You can't be serious."  
  
"We have plenty of time before Makoto gets back, it'd be better than watching me answer phone calls."  
  
She tapped on her lips. "I don't know, I think the last one you answered was pretty amusing." She grinned at him.  
  
Haruka changed into warm clothes really fast and was already halfway to the door before Ran could finish her green tea. She had no choice and quickly gulped down the last of the bitter drink, smoothed her skirt and followed Haruka to the door, retrieving their coats at the exit.

* * *

 

The elevator opened and Haruka immediately regretted his timing. "Either I don't see you at all for weeks or two days in a row, Nanase-san!" Tamura's smiling face greeted him. 

Ran clutched Haruka’s arm painfully. He looked at her, and realized she recognized the idol. She looked star struck. Come to think of it, Makoto mentioned she liked Tamura. There goes the surprise Makoto had planned for his sister.

"And who’s this beautiful lady?" the idol asked once Haruka and Ran stepped into the elevator. 

"That's Makoto's--" Haruka hesitated. He wanted to deceive Tamura a while longer, without resorting to lies.

"Can’t be his girlfriend?! She looks so young!" Tamura didn't wait for him to finish.

"N-no, I'm just his sister," Ran said with a light blush. 

Barely five floors down, the two were already acquainted. Ran possessed the same social ability as her older brother. 

"Let me take you to Shinjuku, It's on my way," Tamura offered when they reached the ground floor. He pressed the button to keep the elevator’s doors open and continued smiling at Haruka and Ran.

"We're fine, thank you," Haruka refused immediately.

Ran swatted his arm. "Oh come on, Haru-chan! You don’t even know where the train station is!"

Haruka made a face and Ran smiled impishly and gave the final push. "Two words - Shinjuku station."

"I suppose we could use a ride," Haruka muttered. He really hated that huge and crowded station more than anything else in Tokyo.

Tamura smiled too and clicked to close the elevator doors, the elevator continued down to the parking level. Tamura led them to his slick black Mercedes-Benz.

Haruka considered sitting in the passenger’s seat in the front, just so Tamura won't get ahead of himself and become _too_ acquainted with Ran, but with the alternative being having to engage in a conversation with the young actor the entire way, sacrifices had to be made. _'Sorry, Ran,'_ he thought and sat in the backseat.

Ran's self-consciousness soon disappeared and she talked to Tamura as a friend - he even asked her to call him by his given name and all formalities were dropped after that.

Meanwhile in the backseat, Haru felt like a chaperon - escorting two kids on a date. He made sure the chat wasn't getting too intimate - Tamura wasn't someone he could entrust Ran to. And meanwhile he also researched his phone about host clubs. He only had vague knowledge from movies and from some jokes Nagisa made in the past, when they just moved to Tokyo. He wanted to know more before facing Ren.

* * *

 

"This should be it," Tamura finally said after pulling to a stop in a residential area of Shinjuku. It didn't take too long and the traffic was surprisingly not too heavy. Haruka mumbled his thanks to his neighbor and hurried Ran out of the car.

"Geez, Haru-chan! I was this close to getting his mobile user name!" Ran complained when the car sped away. 

"Then we arrived just in time," Haruka said quietly and looked around. The quiet street only had moderately tall mansion type apartment buildings. He followed Ran to one of them. It was a regular old mansion built in the early 2000s. For some reason he expected Ren to live in a more fancy place. Although he was sure the location alone made the rent ridiculously high.

Ran buzzed the intercom and waited. After a moment passed with no reply, she buzzed again. "He's probably sleeping in. Nothing changed there," she said and tried again.

Haruka huffed. Just then, a neighbor walked outside, pushing the heavy door at the two. Haruka quickly grabbed the door and held it for Ran.

There was still no reply when Ran buzzed the doorbell. 

"Maybe he's out?" she wondered.

Haruka shook his head and pressed the button several times impatiently.

After a few seconds of listening to the gritting ding dong sound distorted by Haruka's repeated clicking, the door opened widely.

"Ran!! What do you think you're --" Ren abruptly stopped shouting as he stared at Haruka.

Haruka stared back at the young man before him. Since he couldn't make it for the twins' 18th birthday, it's been nearly two years since he had last seen Ren. The boy wasn't as tall as his brother, but he was slightly taller than Haruka now, perhaps Rin's height. He had changed his hairstyle and let it grow to his shoulders - even bleaching it a lighter brown color with orange tint. The straight short hair and bangs were replaced with a wild mane that covered most of his face. In short, if Haruka wasn't told the young man in front of him was Ren, he wouldn't have recognized him.

They studied each other for a moment. "Ha... Haru..." the boy stammered, surprised.

"Been a while, Ren," Haruka said quietly.

"Ran!! I told you not to tell anyone where I am!" he yelled at his sister after a short moment.

"Well, you said not to tell onii-chan..." She pointed out with a wry smile.

Without waiting to be invited, Haruka pushed Ren aside and entered the apartment, taking off his shoes at the genkan, but not his coat. He threw a glance at the kitchenette in the narrow hallway. So Ren lived in a typical one-room apartment. It was identical to the one Haruka shared with Makoto when they moved to Tokyo for university, but he was still surprised.

"Hey, where do you think you're..." Ren was yelling behind him. 

"Sorry to intrude..." Ran said politely and followed Haruka inside the room. She did leave her coat at the entrance.

Haruka stopped at the door. The one room was as narrow as he expected... the bed took most of the space and a closet, small table and an old flat tv provided all the furniture in the room. At least that's what Haruka detected between all the clothes that were thrown around in chaos. 

"Geez, Ren... How can you live like this..." Ran muttered as she walked in, trying not to step on a pair of dirty underwear.

 "I only come here to sleep and you've ruined that!" Ren growled back.

Haruka turned around towards the twins. "Ran," he addressed the girl and took out his wallet. "Go buy something for yourself, okay?" He handed her all the cash he had in his wallet and her eyes widened. Ren also stared in amazement.

"Is this... Is it really okay?" she asked quietly.

"Is it enough?" Haruka asked.

"Ahh, I think I can find a thing or two..." She smiled sheepishly and gave him a brief hug. "Thanks, Haru-chan! See you later, Ren!" She waved at the two of them and ran outside.

Haruka turned to Ren. "I take it the host business is not taking off?"

Ren blushed and moved a strand of hair from his face. "She even told you this much..." he muttered and continued, "Does Makoto also know?"

Haruka furrowed his brow at the mention of the name. When the twins were in middle school, Ren started calling Makoto in the more adult way- "nii-san" instead of “onii-chan” – which at the time bothered the older brother. But calling Makoto by name sounded like an attempt to distance him. Did Ren dislike his family that much? 

"Makoto doesn't know," Haruka simply said. "I'm not going to tell him."

Ren huffed and looked away. "Then we're done here." He scratched his ribs and stifled a yawn, preparing to go back to bed.

Haruka stubbornly blocked his way. "I haven't started."

"Mind your own business!" Ren tried pushing him away, but Haruka planted himself firmly and didn't budge. 

"You are my business." He folded his arms over his chest and looked intently at Ren. "You're important family."

Ren scoffed. "Last I recall Japan doesn't allow homos to get married. You'll never be my family," he said coldly. 

Haruka ignored the insulting tone. "Marriage is just a piece of paper; you know I've been nothing less than an older brother to you since you were in diapers." 

Ren made a face again and before he could make a comeback, they were interrupted by the ringing of Haruka's phone.

"That's..." Ren's voice faded.

"Sorry, I have to answer." Haruka apologized and took out his phone.

Makoto had made it a habit to call him every day during his lunch break and Haruka had made it a habit to receive the call. He made sure to always be near his phone at the designated time, or at the very least have someone remind him it was the time.

"Hey," he said quietly when he answered the call. Seeing Makoto's smiling face on the small screen always had an instant calming effect on his heart and mind.

In front of him, Ren made another displeased face. Haruka was sure he wanted to talk to Makoto yet couldn't bring himself to admit it. Haruka had been in those shoes before. 

"How's your day?" Makoto asked, beating Haruka to it as usual. 

"I'm good," he replied and scratched his cheek. "Ran stopped by and dragged me off somewhere. Now we found this stray cat..."

"Cat?" Makoto blinked.

"Yeah. It's a really stubborn stray cat. It wants to eat, but too afraid to approach my hand no matter how hungry it is."

Makoto let out a laugh. "Ah, don't worry, since it's Haru, I'm sure even that cat will fall in love with you in no time."

Haruka blushed. "Stupid... Uh, Anyway, I need to help Ran so I'll see you tonight."

"Un, okay. I love you," Makoto said and his silly happy face made Haruka feel so hot inside, he regretted not taking off the coat before.

"I know..." he muttered, but Makoto had already hung up. 

Haruka shoved the phone back into his pocket and returned his attention to Ren, who looked even more sour than before. 

"Are you ready to talk to me now?"

Ren groaned and run a hand in his hair. "There's nothing to talk about, just leave me alone. I have to work tonight."

Haruka closed the short distance between them. "I can't do that. Everyone is worried about you." He frowned. "You're not sick or anything, are you?"

"Huh, what? Of course not!" Ren grimaced.

Haruka sighed in relief. "Good, then it can't be worse than anything I've imagined."

"Right. As if someone like you could ever understand. Just go back home to your lovely wife... Or is it husband?"

Haruka ignored the dig again, but didn't drop the subject. "Someone like me?"

"Someone like you… who got everything they ever wanted..." Ren gritted his teeth. 

He grabbed Haruka by his coat's lapels, pulling him closer. Haruka tensed. He didn't expect Ren to act aggressively, it reminded him how Rin had changed after returning from Australia... but what could be bothering Ren so much to a degree he would change beyond recognition? He couldn't finish processing his thoughts - Ren pushed him to the bed and straddled him, pinning him down.

"Wait.. What are you doing?! Ren!" Haruka raised his voice.

"Don't you ever wonder what it would be like to do it with someone else?" Ren asked with a dark gleam in his eyes and leaned in.

"No!" Haruka resorted to use force and pushed him away, sitting up. 

Ren nearly fell off the bed, but balanced himself and sat up, looking at Haru intently. "You've never even once tried it with someone else? Not even a kiss?"

Haruka frowned. "I've never felt any need to..." He had never wondered about it either, he was perfectly satisfied with his love life – even before their relationship turned romantic or sexual, Makoto was everything he needed and everything he wanted - that was one thing that never changed through the stages of his life.

"Then how the hell do you think you'll be able to understand me?" Ren's voice trembled and for a brief moment Haruka saw the Ren he knew.

"You've never had to search everywhere... to keep looking and looking... to struggle to forget..."

The boy’s shoulders sagged, but he didn't cry. He clutched his fists tightly until his knuckles turned white.

"Ren..." Haruka said softly and tried to touch the boy's shoulder, but withdrew his hand. "Are you perhaps... in _love_ with me?" he asked carefully. 

Ren raised his head in surprise and looked at him, pale as a ghost.

Haruka pressed his lips before continuing, his eyes a darker shade of blue. "No... It's Makoto, isn't it?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the first part of a middle-school period flashback.  
> Warning for underage sex (there's also a reference to my shota fic), semi-no consent, and Haruka being a jerk to Makoto.

 

The atmosphere in the room became heavy. Haruka studied the younger man’s face.

"Of course not, he's my brother!" Ren said after a bit too long of a pause.

Haruka sighed inwardly, suddenly remembering how the twins were always fighting over who would get to marry Makoto when they were little. It was amusing for everyone – except for Makoto who always ended up buried under their weight – but Haruka never thought the idolizing childish crush Ren had on his brother would manifest into this awkward conversation they seemed to be heading into.

He scratched his head. "Ren, I don't know what it's like to have forbidden love for a brother rather than a best friend, but I can understand why you would love Makoto, because it's probably similar to why I love him..."

Putting it simply, Makoto was a rare kind of human being. He was someone whose shortcomings concluded with being too selfless - worrying and caring for others too much even at his own expense, getting scared easily, and being a disaster in the kitchen. With that, it was impossible not to love him, and Makoto had a lot of love to give in return. In a way, Ren was right. Haruka knew from a very young age that he wanted to spend his entire life with Makoto and even to this day he had those moments when he couldn’t believe how lucky he was to have Makoto by his side.

Being with Makoto felt natural to Haruka, but it took him a long time to accept his feelings. As close friends who always did everything together, they shared their first sexual experience even before realizing what it meant or before kissing for the first time – a real kiss, not the chaste kissing games they played on occasion as kids.

Ren clenched his jaw and clicked his tongue in annoyance, loud enough for Haruka to hear. 

"But even though I understand, I'm not going to give you Makoto," Haruka continued. "I know you feel desperate right now; I've felt like that before myself... It may sound cliche, but you're still young. You'll find someone else."

Ren threw him an 'it’s easy for you to say' glare and huffed. "What if I don't find someone? What if Nii... what if Makoto is..."

"Makoto is not the one for you," Haruka cut him off bluntly. "That's impossible." He was confident in every word he uttered. "Because he's without a doubt my one."

Ren sighed and lowered his head, chuckling bitterly.

"Ren, It's never easy...” Haruka’s throat felt dry. He’s been talking awfully lot this past week. He wetted his lips and sighed, taking his eyes off the boy. There was no choice but say it.  “Even for us it wasn't easy... You're too young to remember... But let me tell you something I never wanted to think about ever again..."

 

* * *

 

 

After quitting the swimming club at the end of the first year of middle school, Haruka vowed never to swim competitively again. He knew the self-punishment he inflicted on himself was affecting his best friend too. Makoto continued to go to club practice until the end of the school year, but the following spring when their second year started, Makoto also quit the club. Without their two best swimmers the other kids started to lose motivation and dropped out. The club was disbanded before the first term ended.  
  
Haruka hated it. He hated the hurt look in Makoto's eyes, he hated the kind smile that hid Makoto’s true feelings. But more than anything, Haruka hated himself. He couldn't stop seeing Rin's face in front of him - crying, hurting, because Haruka had destroyed his dream. The thought that Rin stopped swimming and pursuing his dream because of him was something Haruka couldn't bear and he couldn't even say anything to Makoto, because he didn't want Makoto to know such an ugly thing about him. He never wanted to see his sin reflected in Makoto's eyes.  
  
Haruka continued swimming when he had a chance. In the summer, he went to the public pool, usually with Makoto and his family. Playing with the twins in the shallow waters or trying to swim in the deep end with so many people around was nothing like the freedom he used to feel when swimming fast, but at least he could feel the water. During summer he also swam in the sea sometimes, but mostly he resorted to soaking in the bath. As the time passed, his mood grew darker. Life started feeling like stale food, lacking the flavor that once made it enjoyable.  
  
Haruka’s change took a turn for the worse when his grandmother was hospitalized. His face was constantly either sour or apathetic. He never talked much, but his tacit periods grew longer. And yet, even though he's been rude, unfriendly and just about intolerable to be around, Makoto had still stayed by his side. The other students at class had pretty much ignored him. Even though he was athletic and good at sports, during PE class or sports day, he would be the last one to be elected into a team, and only selected out of default. Makoto was the only one that didn't seem to give up on him, and Haruka even overheard one guy asking Makoto why he was friends with him at all - it was after Makoto declined invitation to a party Haruka wasn't invited to.  
  
Haruka also wondered what Makoto saw in him. He didn't feel deserving of Makoto's care, but looking back, it seemed like it was the only thing that still kept him going through every day.

* * *

  
  
"Haru..." Makoto sighed and tapped on his notebook. "I don't get this!" They were in Haruka's living room, doing homework. It was their third and final year of middle school and summer was approaching quickly.  
  
Haruka made a face. "I told you I'm not going to teach you."  
  
"Please...? Haru?" Makoto put his hands together and gave Haruka his best puppy eyes impression.  
  
It worked. Haruka could not say no when Makoto gave him that look. It was hard to believe he could have that cute face on top of that body. Makoto grew much bigger in the last few months, already nearing 180 centimeters. Even though he was now swimming even less than Haruka, his body was still in good shape, although not as firm as when he was training.  
  
"Then come over here, I'm not getting up," Haruka finally muttered.  
  
His friend's face lit up and Haruka felt his heart skipping a beat. He looked away. Soon he felt Makoto's body leaning into him as he sat down. He turned back to his friend. "Stupid, you're too close. It's hot, isn't it?"  
  
Makoto smiled sheepishly. "Sorry..."  
  
Haruka sighed as he felt his cock twitch and harden in his shorts. His studying mood which wasn't that strong to begin with, was completely spoiled. Now all he wanted was to get out of his clothes and find release.  
  
Ever since their first time rubbing against each other in the bath when they had just started middle school, they've been doing those naughty things together when the mood struck. Usually it was just mutual masturbation, but sometimes they would lie down together and rub their cocks against each other. It was interesting to find out that depending on how they did it, the sensation they got out of it was completely different. And so they continued to experiment whenever they got the chance - or rather when Haruka decided to do it, since Makoto never dared to initiate a touch.  
  
As Haruka attempted to cool down and concentrate on helping Makoto with homework, the door slid open and he nearly jumped out of his skin.  
  
"Haruka, I'm going to the market in the next town, do you want me to get you anything?"  
  
Haruka took a moment to inhale before asking for more mackerel.  
  
"Why did I even bother asking..." she muttered. "Then I'm going. Makoto-kun, if you're hungry there's some curry leftovers in the fridge," she said.  
  
"Okay, thank you auntie, take care." Makoto smiled and she closed the door.  
  
Haruka sighed, letting out all the air he held in his lungs. He flipped his notebook upside down and straddled Makoto.  
  
"Eh, Haru? What's wrong?" his friend asked in confusion, but suddenly blushed as he felt Haruka's hard-on pressed against him. "W.. Wait... Haru-chan... Auntie is..."  
  
"She won't be back for another two hours... Let's do it, Makoto."  
  
"But homework..." Makoto tried to protest meekly.  
  
"I'll teach you later." Haruka pushed Makoto down, pinning him to the floor. "Consider this advance payment."  
  
"Ehh.." The younger boy tried again to protest, but Haruka grabbed him through the pants and his protest turned to a sudden moan. He was always easy to arouse.  
  
"Haru..." he gasped when Haruka shifted on top of him, the tents in their shorts squashed together. Haruka suppressed a groan and rose to his knees, allowing Makoto to pull down his shorts and underpants. His erection jutted out with a subtle curve. Haruka flushed as he observed it. Makoto was also blushing furiously, his hands tightened into fists at the sides of his large body. Haruka removed his own clothes completely and his friend's blush grew even deeper as Haruka pressed his hard member against Makoto's, gasping at the touch and the radiating heat. Makoto was already slick with sweat and other fluids.  
  
"Annngh.. Ha... ru..." Makoto moaned and raised his legs, spreading his thighs around Haruka.  
  
Haruka rested his hands on Makoto's knees and pulled himself up. Lately, his sexual appetite was unquenchable. The only time he could cool it off was swimming.  
  
"Wanna try putting it in?" he asked quietly and positioned himself on top of Makoto's erection, feeling the hot rod splitting the tender flesh of his buttocks.  
  
"Put... What in?" Makoto didn't follow his intentions. "Where?"  
  
Haruka blushed. “I want to have sex.”

The deep red color on Makoto’s cheeks spread all the way to the tip of his ears. “Se… se… sex?!” he raised his voice. “B-but we can’t… right?! It’s… we’re guys, so…”

“Two guys can also do it,” Haruka said in one breath. “Do you want to or not?” he asked impatiently and clenched his butt, squeezing Makoto’s shaft between the cheeks.

“Aahh..” Makoto grunted in reply. “Haru… no…”

Haruka ignored him and ground his hips. Makoto’s cock felt hot , heavy and slippery under him and Haruka figured if he didn’t take control, they would just end up doing the same thing they’ve always done.  
  
"Makoto..." Haruka almost didn't recognize his own voice. It was deep and thick with lust. “Just shove it in my… butt…”

“No… I don’t want to…” Makoto gasped . “It will hurt for sure…”

“Idiot… it will only hurt for me—“ Haruka nearly bit his tongue as he spoke, realizing his mistake.

“I don’t want to!” Makoto raised his voice and for the first time tried to push Haruka off him. “Haru…”

“Be quiet, Makoto…” Haruka grumbled and pinned Makoto’s wrists to the floor, hovering above him. “Calm down.”

When Makoto stopped squirming, Haruka let go of his hands and reached behind him, grabbing Makoto’s shaft. He tried to guide the head inside of him, but that proved to be difficult. Makoto wasn’t helping - he just hid his face with both hands and left the work to Haruka. Growing more impatient and slightly annoyed, Haruka raised himself up and tried again, squatting over the thick bulbous head of the cock.

“Hnn…” He gritted his teeth when he felt his hole starting to stretch, but soon the organ slipped and hit his behind, and he nearly lost balance.

“Haru… let’s stop?” Makoto tried speaking, not daring to look at Haruka. “It won’t go in… it’s too big…”

“It’s fine…” Haruka wrapped his fingers around the thick member again. It _was_ big and he wondered if it could really enter his body. Probably not without Makoto’s cooperation and even then one of them would have to use force.

“Let’s change positions…” he said and without warning, dropped down onto Makoto’s chest, put his arm around his shoulder and flipped them both over.

“Uwah, Ha-haru!” Makoto managed to say as he found himself on top of his best friend.

Haruka raised his legs and spread them around Makoto, arms around his neck again. “Put it in, Makoto.”

“Ha… ru…” Makoto’s voice trembled. “I can’t…” He tried pressing his cock against Haruka’s entrance, thrusting aimlessly between Haruka’s buttocks.

“Wait… Makoto…” Haruka tugged on his friend’s sweaty shirt. “Calm down… use your hands.”

“Uh… okay…” The younger boy moved up to his knees, and grabbed his member with a shaky hand. He swallowed and tried to lower himself again, using his free hand for balance.

“Wait!” Haruka suddenly raised his voice and turned around again, standing on all fours and sticking out his buttocks towards Makoto. “I just remembered… it should be easier this way…”

“Ehh…” Makoto hesitated before resting his left hand on Haruka’s bottom, spreading the cheeks as much as he could with that one hand. “Haru… are you sure…”

“Just put it in!” Haruka yelled in annoyance and dropped his head.

He didn’t mean to yell, but Makoto was far too gentle and timid sometimes. Couldn’t he read his mind and figure it out?! Haruka bit his lips and waited.

“Okay…” Came Makoto’s muffled reply and Haruka held his breath as he felt the cockhead pressing against his entrance again. “Then… I’m putting it in, Haru…” Makoto warned with a meek voice. Haruka closed his eyes, holding his breath again and tried to relax, anticipating the penetration.

He couldn’t see what Makoto was doing, but suddenly, something big and blunt entered him with force, tearing him apart from inside.

“Guhh…uuggh” The  air left his lungs and he cringed, falling down to his elbows.

“Ha… Haru!” Makoto’s panicked voice reached his ears. “Are you okay? Does it hurt?” he gasped and started to pull out.

Haruka turned his head over his shoulder, seeing Makoto towering over him for the first time. “Don’t take it out!!” he managed to cry out. “Deeper… shove it in deeper…”

“Uh… un…” Makoto complied and his hands moved to Haruka’s waist, holding him firmly in place. "It's almost... half in..." he wheezed.

“Deeper... geh… it doesn’t… hurt…” Haruka uttered, shutting his eyes tight again, his fingers burying into the tatami floor. “It doesn’t hurt…”

His body felt like it was on fire, pierced by a white-hot iron bar. The pain was encompassing. When Makoto stopped pushing into him, it felt uncomfortable, as though he needed to take a bathroom break really bad. He wasn’t sure what went wrong, but the pain felt good. Feeling Makoto’s pulsating member inside of him – becoming one with him – felt good.  

“Makoto… start moving…” he ordered his partner through hitched breaths.

Makoto started pulling out and Haruka worried for a second, until suddenly Makoto thrust himself deeper and repeated the motion quickly. Haruka gasped with every penetration. When his ears stopped ringing, he realized he could hear Makoto’s groans too. It looked as though his partner had finally gotten the hang of it and picked up the rhythm. Haruka let out a cry when it felt like Makoto had touched his core. Semen started oozing from his own member. He wasn’t someone who sweated easily, even in the height of the humid summer, but he was slickening wet inside and out.

“Uhh… uhhh…” he groaned, trying to breathe. “Ma… koto… more…”

“Ha… Haru…” Makoto gasped in response. “It feels… good… it… uwaah…”

It felt strange to have Makoto release his load inside of him. He’s seen his best friend come in front of his eyes dozens of times, but now he was behind him, out of his sight, but all over his mind and all over his body. The pain was still throbbing, but it felt different, pleasant in an inexplicable way.

“Sorry, I…” Haruka heard the other boy mumbling above him, before pulling out of him.

After adjusting to the weight on top of him, Haruka nearly collapsed when he suddenly felt empty.

 

“Ha… Haru!” Makoto suddenly cried out, sounding distressed and Haruka tried to look behind him, but could hardly move himself from the floor – he was spent.

“There’s blood… I…” Makoto’s voice broke. “I told you I didn’t want to do it…” he sounded panicked as he reached for the little face towel he had in the pocket of his shorts. “Haru…”

“You’re so noisy…” Haruka grumbled and tried to get up. His bottom was wet and aching, but Makoto wasn’t supposed to be the one concerned over it. It wasn’t his business.

“Haru… I probably injured you…” Makoto continued, his voice still quivering. “I’m so sorry.” He was about to clean Haruka with his towel.

“If you’re going to make such a big deal, just go home already,” Haruka muttered, flicking away Makoto’s reached hand.

Once again, he regretted it the moment the words had left his mouth, but before he could apologize, Makoto got up, looking pale – he wasn’t crying, but he looked as though he was about to.

“Geez, stupid Haru!” he uttered with a frown and disappeared from Haruka’s eyes.

“Mako—“ Haruka tried calling behind him, but heard the front door sliding shut.

He sighed and reached behind him, then looked at his fingers. They were coated with blood and semen and he immediate jumped up, flinching with pain, to check that he didn’t stain the tatami floor with blood. There were stains of sweat and his own discharge; even though he was still in the nude, Haruka set to the tiresome task of cleaning the delicate mat.

* * *

 

The entire time he was busy cleaning – first the floor, then his own body, Haruka had no time to think. He couldn’t soak in the bath for too long because it was still too painful to sit, so he moved to his room and lied down on his bed, staring at the ceiling. There, he was all alone with his thoughts.

It wasn’t how he imagined their first time would be. He had done a terrible thing to Makoto. He wondered if Makoto would forgive him even this time. Makoto, who had always accepted Haruka in every mood, even took insults with a kind smile. Haruka couldn’t shake the hurt expression he saw in Makoto’s face. Maybe this whole time he was testing to see how far Makoto’s patience extended, and maybe he had finally met with Makoto’s limit.

There was a knock on his door and Haruka held his breath. Could it be that Makoto returned? If Makoto would be the first one to apologize, even when he did nothing wrong, Haruka knew he was going to hate himself a little more.

The door opened, but the person at the door wasn't Makoto. It was his mother. She looked different than usual, her face stern and fallen. For a second, Haruka thought Makoto had told her what they had done – what Haruka had made him do. No, even if Makoto was angry, he would never tell anyone.

"Haruka," his mother said quietly, waking him from his thoughts. "I’ve received a phone call from the hospital. They said granny's condition deteriorated..."

"What?" He stared at her.

"They said if we want to say goodbye, now is the time."

Haruka closed his mouth and continued staring at her blankly.

 

tbc


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 of Middle-school period flashback.

 

At first, when his grandmother was just hospitalized, Haruka had tried to visit every day. He sat with her, listened to her talk, helped her get up to go to the bathroom and made sure she was comfortable. However, it became a painful task to watch his beloved grandmother withering away every day as her body weakened. Soon, his visits decreased. A part of him wanted to believe that if he didn't see her, one day he'll come back home from school, open the door and be greeted by the strong smell of grilled mackerel. He would follow the smell all the way to the kitchen and she would be there, waiting for him.

"But... it can't be..." He tried to argue with his mother. There had to be something the doctors could do.

"Your father is on his way back, and I'm going to the hospital now. Do you want to come with me?"

He wanted to tell her to stop joking around, but the words got stuck in his throat. Instead of arguing, he pushed her out his way and ran out of his room.

"Haruka!!" He heard her shouting behind him. "Haruka, where are you going?!"

He didn't stop. He ran down the stairs and out of the house, nearly flying from the stone steps of the shrine and continued running down the hill towards the direction of the hospital. Makoto, what he's done, the searing pain in his bottom, nothing was important anymore. He had to go see his grandmother's face, her kind eyes, hear her words of wisdom and know that everyone was wrong and she was going to be fine.

He arrived at the hospital's doors short of breath.

"Nanase-kun!" the nurse called when he run past her. He didn't stop to listen. Everyone was wrong. She was going to be fine. She's going to be fine.

_She's going to be fine._

He stopped in front of the closed door and tried to inhale. The last time he was there, she was sleeping the entire time. Will she be awake now? Will she smile? Will she be able to talk to him? He couldn't remember what the last thing he said to her was. It seemed like so long ago that he had walked into this very same room and she was sitting up in bed and smiling at him.

What did they talk about then? She asked if he started swimming again and how Makoto was doing. That was it; the two things his life ever revolved around, besides his family. He lost the swimming, he may have lost Makoto… he wasn't ready to lose his family too.

As his mind still tried to grapple with the idea of having to let go of yet another important aspect of his life, the door opened. There were several nurses inside and a doctor with a long white robe, but Haruka could only see one thing.

Instead of his grandmother sitting up in bed to welcome him, she was laying tucked in the blanket, a white cloth covering her face.

_'....grandma?'_   He tried to speak up, but no voice came out.

"Nanase-kun, I'm so sorry," one nurse said. "We thought she had at least until tomorrow."

Haruka still stared stunned at the white cloth. It couldn't be true, it was impossible. He walked inside, ignoring the group of people who were staring at him with sympathetic eyes.

"Is your mother here?" another nurse asked.

"Granny always talked about you, she was very proud of you." Another nurse tried to comfort him. “I’m sure she’ll continue to watch over you from above.”

Haruka ignored them and sat down on the chair next to the bed, nothing in his body hurt anymore, only his heart. It was clamping hard inside his chest, every heartbeat sharp as a knife.  

"Nanase-san is here," one nurse came in to inform.

The nurses all left the room, leaving Haruka alone with his grandmother. He felt his aching heart shrinking as he looked at her. If he removed the cloth, she will really be dead. There will be no mistake. He will see the shell of what used to be his beloved, wise grandmother. His hand rose up on its own, but froze and lingered above the cloth.

What was the last thing he told her? What was the last thing she told him? What was he doing all this time she was still alive and he didn't come to see her for such selfish reasons.

_‘Granny always talked about you, she was very proud of you.’_

What a joke, he thought. He was the worst. He was the worst role model for Nagisa, the worst friend for Rin, the worst best friend or whatever he was for Makoto, the worst grandson.

 

* * *

 

The days that had passed until all the funeral processes were completed felt surreal to Haruka - as though he was floating in a bad dream he couldn't wake up from.

There were so many people gathering at their house to pay respect. Makoto and his parents had also arrived for the wake. Haruka only paid half mind to Makoto in his black suit and his friend didn't try to approach him beyond offering condolences along with his parents and the other visitors. Haruka simply nodded at him, unable to speak.

 

When Haruka couldn’t take the smell of the incense anymore, the chanting and the people that continued talking about his grandmother in past tense; he left the house and wandered along the hills to find himself a secluded location away from everything.

He stood in the observatory on top of the cliff, overlooking the sea and rested his hands on the railing. The wind was chilly, even though it was already hot and humid for early summer. It reminded him his 15th birthday was coming up. It was going to be the first time his grandmother would not cook him the mackerel birthday special.

The sea was roaring below him, and in the endless blue he thought for a moment that he saw her face, and her kind, blue, wrinkled eyes. Looking below, there was a very short strip of coast and white foam splashed all over as the waves crashed into the pointy rocks. If he jumped down, would the waves take him to where his grandmother was?

Haruka climbed over the railing and took a step closer to the edge of the cliff. Letting the sea take him wouldn't be such a bad idea, it would even be fitting. But suddenly he thought of Makoto and his hand reached behind him to grab the railing. Makoto, who was afraid of water and terrified of the sea. If the sea took him, Makoto would probably never get over that fear again. And even though Makoto was probably not going to talk to him again, Haruka didn't want to let Makoto out of his sight as he had allowed his grandmother.

He could still see her face in the water, could still make the lines of her smile in the white foam of the sea, but he didn't feel like hurrying to join her anymore. “I’m sorry grandma,” he whispered. “I can’t go to you yet.”

He could hear her call him - the soft whoosh of the waves was whispering his name. Then louder, and louder, and louder.

"Haruka!!"

_"Haruka!!!"_

Haruka turned around in surprise. Makoto, still dressed in the black funeral suit, his face all flushed and sweaty, made his way towards him on the stairs to the observatory.

"...Makoto...?" Haruka whispered in disbelief.

"What are you doing, Haru?!" Makoto stopped before the railing, hands on his knees, panting hard. "It's dangerous!"

Haruka still stared at him in wonder and confusion. "How did you know I'm here?" He finally asked.

"I asked people... I ran... all over town... searching for you, Haru..." His friend uttered between breaths. His eyebrows wrinkled in concern. "More importantly... What are you doing? Get down from there, it's dangerous!" he repeated.

Haruka turned back again and looked down at the crashing waves and the sizzling white foam. What _was_ he doing? His fingers tightened around the metal railing.

"I saw my grandmother's face..." he admitted quietly. The truth just came out. The rest were spoken only in his head. _'I thought of all the things I never got to tell her...'_ His breath hitched as he spoke without words. _'And I... I wanted to go see her...'_

He heard Makoto huffing, then a metallic noise and before he could turn around Makoto was standing a few feet away from him, having climbed over the metal fence. He was still flushed, and obviously terrified, clutching the metal behind him with both hands as he looked ahead at the big blue.

"What are you doing, stupid?!" Haruka raised his voice. "It's dangerous, go back!"

Makoto threaded closer to Haruka, still holding on to the railing. He covered the distance between them and looked at Haruka. "I don't want Haru to go..." he said quietly. "But if you have to go no matter what, I have to go with you."

Haruka felt the heat creeping up to his face. When he looked back at the sea, he couldn't find his grandmother's face anymore. It was just waves. He wanted to tell Makoto that having him by his side gave him strength; that if Makoto was there with him there was no reason to go – that he didn't _want_ to go, but once again the words he wanted to say were frozen somewhere inside of him. Instead he huffed, "Idiot. I'm not that weak."

He didn't look at his friend, but he knew Makoto had a big, idiotic grin on his face. He could feel it, especially when Makoto said, "That’s right, huh? I’m sorry for being such a worrywart."

Haruka sighed. In a way, he felt relieved. Makoto hadn't left him after all. He turned around and started climbing the fence. He was about to jump down when he saw Makoto's large hand reached out towards him, and as he followed the black sleeve up, Makoto's sweaty face was smiling gently at him. It wasn't an entirely honest smile - Haruka was good at reading Makoto's smiles, but it wasn't a smile he hated either. Makoto was still uncomfortable with him, it was only to be expected.

Haruka huffed and connected their hands, letting Makoto's big and sweaty, but incredibly strong hand pull him back to safety.

He expected Makoto to let go, but instead Makoto pulled Haruka into his chest, and wrapped his arms around him. "Don't ever go, Haru..." he mumbled into Haruka's hair. "Ever."

"Makoto, you're heavy..." Haruka grumbled into his chest. "It’s hot..." he added when Makoto didn't let go.

"I'm sorry, Haru..." Makoto's voice trembled a little. "I shouldn't have run off that day... I'm really sorry... about granny..."

Haruka felt his chest ache again. "I didn't get to say goodbye..." he admitted his biggest regret, his voice breaking. _'All this time I could've gone to see her and didn't...'_ He hadn't cried yet, but even now, on the verge, the tears would not come out.

Makoto relaxed his hold of Haruka and stepped back, still holding his hands on Haruka's arms.

"I'm sure she knows how you feel," he said with a light smile. "Granny always knows everything, right?"

Haruka merely nodded. The tears blocked his throat, but everything would remain bottled up a couple of years longer after that.

As they approached their neighborhood and had a look of Haruka's house up on the hill next to the shrine, Haruka started feeling uneasy again. There were a lot of people coming in and out of his house, all dressed in black suits or black kimono, like bringers of death. He swallowed and reached up his hand, grabbing the side of Makoto's black suit jacket.

The taller boy turned his head back to glance at him and Haruka gave him a meaningful, if pathetic look. Makoto didn't need words to understand him; he gave him another smile and changed direction, entering the garden of his house instead. The house was empty, with Makoto's father at work and his mother and young siblings at Haruka's house helping out the chief mourners - Haruka's immediate family.

Makoto loosened his tie. "Haru, the water in the bath are lukewarm. You should go soak a bit, it will make you feel better," he suggested and Haruka looked at him in both amazement and annoyance.

* * *

 

Later, after the first mourning period ended, there was nothing holding Haruka’s father back from accepting a work promotion and relocating. Haruka had refused to join his parents. He had promised Makoto he wouldn’t leave. It wasn’t a promise made with words, and it wasn’t entirely a promise to _Makoto_ , but even living alone, Haruka had never regretted staying.

He had never talked about the events of that day and Makoto did not bring it up either. It was one of the dark memories Haruka had buried inside. He raised his eyes to Ren, who looked a little stunned at the sudden tale Haruka had poured out in front of him.

"I'm not an easy person," Haruka told him with a shrug. "Maybe it doesn't look like it, but I'm always taking things a little too deep and heavy." A faint smile touched his lips. "Makoto was always there to balance me out, to reach out and pull me out of the darkness so to speak."

Ren furrowed his brow. "Doesn't that mean you’re too dependent on him?"

"Without Makoto, I'm lost," Haruka admitted with no hesitation. "But I don't see it as a bad thing, rather," he paused. "He gives me strength."

"Well, that's great for you.” Ren pouted. “Not all of us are lucky enough to have someone like that."

"But Ren, you do. Even if it's not what you might hope for, Makoto loves you. And he's the kind of guy that has enough love and enough strength to pull back everyone." Haruka looked at him. "You're lost and confused now, but—"

"I can't look at him, Haru," Ren cut him off. "It hurts too much." He licked his lips. "And to be completely honest, I'm afraid of the things that run in my head when I think about him. That's why I finally had to go."

"I see," Haruka said quietly.

"I really hated you..." Ren admitted with a sardonic smile. "I wanted to be you."

"Trust me you wouldn't have liked being me..." Haruka said. "I guess everyone goes through the phase of self-loathing, huh?"

There was a thoughtful humming as the young man considered the words. "Maybe..."

"Makoto would say you're talking nonsense though," Haruka continued. "He's more like a mother, isn't he?"

"Yeah, it's annoying isn't it? He always sees the good in everyone."

Haruka nodded in agreement. "Yeah, he's annoying like that. I still don't know how he does that."

They stayed quiet for a moment, until Ren spoke up again. "He should just give up... Not everyone is like in the picture perfect world he has inside his head."

"He's too stupidly naive to do that..." Haruka said and got up. "Ren, you just have to concede to the fact Makoto will never give up on you, no matter what you do."

Ren shook his head. "He would hate me if he knew."

"He's not capable of hating, you know that." Haruka reached out his hand. "Come with me, and everything will work out. You could go to university and meet someone," he suggested. "You never know how life may turn out. It’s a big world outside this little room."

Ren looked at the reached hand and it looked as though he was considering the offer. But he just shook his head and leaned back against the wall. "It's too late for that."

Haruka sighed and lowered his hand. "Just so you know, I don't plan on giving up on you either."

"What can I say..." Ren chuckled bitterly. "You're as stupidly naive as Makoto. You two are really a match."

Haruka had to agree with that. He didn't like going home empty-handed, but he was sure Ren was going to think about what he had told him. It looked like he needed more time.

"You know how to reach me, right?" Haruka asked and Ren nodded. "If you need to talk, if you need money or anything... Also, please try the university entrance exam again."

"And now you're also like a mother..." Ren groaned. "I'll think about it."

Haruka smiled softly. He clasped his hand into a fist and looked at it, wondering why he couldn't have had the same power Makoto had.

 

tbc


End file.
